Monday, April 20, 2009

Not yet... not yet.

So, after a long hard think, I've come to a decision. And it hurts, but right now, my body hurts more. I've decided to opt out of the 3rd semester of my studies. Why? I'm not strong enough, physcially. For the past week and a half, the pain that Fibromyalgia causes has been getting increasingly worse. One way to control it is through a heavier exersize routine.
My eating habits have changed and I'm glad that I'm actually finding myself enjoying the new way of eating. Right now, the pain is bearable because of the Lyrica pills I'm taking. I don't want to rely on pills for the rest of my life.

I feel that if I complete the course in my current condition that my lack of strength will show through at a critical moment and I'll end up failing - either in my practicum or after i've completed my course. I don't think it would be good to graduate the course and then get hurt and have to take time off to heal when I know that I can change that.

So, 3rd semester off, have more exersize in my day, possibly find a part time job and keep up with my studies. Next year (as the course is being held here again), I'll complete my course and graduate with the physical strength I need to myself proud as a Paramedic. I want this badly, but I think I can say I'm smart enough to realize that things need to change so I can obtain my desired success.

As Su said, it's just delayed success. I think in the long run, it'll be better for me too.
I wrote an email to Bill Younger, who is Chair for the program and I hope I portrayed my desire in the letter. I'm including it for you all to read as it's something I do care about.

I've done a lot of thinking in regards to some issues I've been having.

As of late, I have been finding my health on a decline. Everyday I wake to pain throughout my body and I'm finding it harder to do simple things. My doctor is aware of the situation, but can't give a diagnosis; we have to rule everything else out before hand.

I want to be a Paramedic more than anything in the world right now. I've found my niche and I'm more than determined to get there. However, with my pain increasing, I think that if i continue, things will end up going wrong and all will be for naught.

I passed the physical exam for the entry and have proved myself that way, however I know I could be in much better shape and in doing so, will be able content in the knowledge that I won't mess up along the way (I'm thinking during the practicum or shortly after finishing the course.)

Paramedics need to be strong and right now, I'm not as strong as I could be.

So, in regards to my thinking, and it loathes me to even entertain the idea as it makes me sort of feel like a failure, but I realize that I know my limits and know when they need to be worked on; I was thinking of withdrawing from the course for the third semester, get myself stronger and get my body's pain issues under control and then reapply for the third semester for next year, when I know I will be able to do it.

Of course, I'm running this by you first as I don't know if this is something that is feasible or not.

I want to be able to pass my practicum and be able to do a Paramedic's job proper, without being in pain or hurting myself because I'm not strong enough.

I look forward to your reply.

Since I wrote that, we've conversed lots and all I have to do now is mail in my withdrawal letter and have my Re-apply letter ready once i get confimation of being out of the course.

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