So, after a long hard think, I've come to a decision. And it hurts, but right now, my body hurts more. I've decided to opt out of the 3rd semester of my studies. Why? I'm not strong enough, physcially. For the past week and a half, the pain that Fibromyalgia causes has been getting increasingly worse. One way to control it is through a heavier exersize routine.
My eating habits have changed and I'm glad that I'm actually finding myself enjoying the new way of eating. Right now, the pain is bearable because of the Lyrica pills I'm taking. I don't want to rely on pills for the rest of my life.
I feel that if I complete the course in my current condition that my lack of strength will show through at a critical moment and I'll end up failing - either in my practicum or after i've completed my course. I don't think it would be good to graduate the course and then get hurt and have to take time off to heal when I know that I can change that.
So, 3rd semester off, have more exersize in my day, possibly find a part time job and keep up with my studies. Next year (as the course is being held here again), I'll complete my course and graduate with the physical strength I need to myself proud as a Paramedic. I want this badly, but I think I can say I'm smart enough to realize that things need to change so I can obtain my desired success.
As Su said, it's just delayed success. I think in the long run, it'll be better for me too.
I wrote an email to Bill Younger, who is Chair for the program and I hope I portrayed my desire in the letter. I'm including it for you all to read as it's something I do care about.
I've done a lot of thinking in regards to some issues I've been having.
As of late, I have been finding my health on a decline. Everyday I wake to pain throughout my body and I'm finding it harder to do simple things. My doctor is aware of the situation, but can't give a diagnosis; we have to rule everything else out before hand.
I want to be a Paramedic more than anything in the world right now. I've found my niche and I'm more than determined to get there. However, with my pain increasing, I think that if i continue, things will end up going wrong and all will be for naught.
I passed the physical exam for the entry and have proved myself that way, however I know I could be in much better shape and in doing so, will be able content in the knowledge that I won't mess up along the way (I'm thinking during the practicum or shortly after finishing the course.)
Paramedics need to be strong and right now, I'm not as strong as I could be.
So, in regards to my thinking, and it loathes me to even entertain the idea as it makes me sort of feel like a failure, but I realize that I know my limits and know when they need to be worked on; I was thinking of withdrawing from the course for the third semester, get myself stronger and get my body's pain issues under control and then reapply for the third semester for next year, when I know I will be able to do it.
Of course, I'm running this by you first as I don't know if this is something that is feasible or not.
I want to be able to pass my practicum and be able to do a Paramedic's job proper, without being in pain or hurting myself because I'm not strong enough.
I look forward to your reply.
Since I wrote that, we've conversed lots and all I have to do now is mail in my withdrawal letter and have my Re-apply letter ready once i get confimation of being out of the course.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
A bit of April and march.
it's been a load of ups and downs.
because of the rain and snow when i drove in, i couldn't get my tattoo. i need to rebook that completely. i'm saddened that i couldn't get my keys done and the outline of ganesh done. but what am i to do? the roads were utterly crappy and jodie had told me that she came into the city and had to borrow her in-laws 4x4.
i pretty much relaxed til class started.
class was okay for the first couple days. i felt a little off my game, but that was just because the winnipeg site throws me off. it's just not my home base and i'm off a bit. out of my comfort zone and all that.
friday, i got one huge ass compliment. it was awesome and i felt so.... amazing.
we were in groups - as normal and i just ended up taking over and directing how things should go. cam, my instructor pulled me aside and told me, "you have just impressed the shit out of me. you took over the scene and you did everything perfectly. you showed care for the patient and didn't make anyone feel stupid. you are awesome." and he gave me a high five...while wearing my mittens. ^_^
i was seriously floating and just feeling so sure of myself in my skills for the rest of the day.
allen, another instructor did a one on one scene with me. this one was nerve wracking. but he said that my flow was pretty good and that i should have done my vitals and gotten O2 on sooner. other than that, i was good. i think i might ask him for another go round, but I didn't.
There were a total of two days where i missed. The first day, I was in pain and had a migraine of uber-intensity. This was not fun. The second day, I was waiting for my doctor's office to call me back with an appointment.
I got chastised for missing both days. Then got threatened with not graduating by the same instructor who gave me a compliment days ago.
Even to this day, i'm still recoiling from the actions of the instructors. We were given a case study to somehow form into a research paper. Not given much information on what we should be doing exactly, but I figured us students - who were almost all in the same boat of confusion would sort of band together and overcome.
Well, the students were still up in the air and when I contacted one, she told me that if i didn't hand it in already that I should just not bother and that i probably already gotten a 0%.
I asked my instructor and other instructors and they gave me no help, stating that i was given all the information in the city. well, if that was the "you have all the information already" comment, then no, that wasn't helpful. it also didn't help that i felt once more like i was being chastised like a child for asking for help. needless to say, i didn't want to speak to that instructor again.
two weeks later, i finally handed in my report and got an email back stating that the instructor was under the impression that i wasn't handing it in as there was no futher contact between us. this is when i told him that i felt like i was being chastised for asking for assistance and that i didn't need a rerun of that. also, in short, i basically told him that he needn't bother reading my report as it would probably be a waste of his time.
this was also around the time of when we were suppose to be doing our clinical rotation for ER, EKG and Psych.
Rolling from 2 weeks in winnipeg to doing exams with no study time... even though the coordinator stated there was. i believe it was something akin to "that week was there for you" when i asked what week and if this was some week that magically appeared, he told me that we got back from winnipeg, had the class on monday and then exam on tuesday. ...that is not a week. he also stated that the afternoons after our exams were meant for study time.
studying for exams that were being labelled as "the hardest ones yet", a weekend and a couple half days are not nearly enough to get decent marks.
my mistake for actually stating that i was "burnt out" from the whole ordeal. the coordinator of the course felt that i might benefit from some councilling through the school.
apparently i should have used the term exhausted. *eye roll*
i really don't like the way that they, the instructors and coordinator, treat us like children. I'm 30, an adult and I expect to be treated like one. I don't want my hand held and to be coddled, if I wanted that, I'd go for daycare or something.
I realize that we're the forerunners of this course, but we're finding more and more bad things out than good.
As it stands right now, I don't feel very sure of myself in my skills and we go back to car in May.
When we were doing our clinical rotations here, the staff at the hospital didn't know what to do with us. The didn't know what our skills were and what medications we could give. In the end, I ended up doing a fuckload of vitals and general care.
Our, as in the Paramedics, care is different than the care the nurses do. We stabilize the patient as best as possible and stop them from bleeding. We keep them alive, or as Doc says in RedVsBlue "make them comfortable while they die."
I guess I'll leave this entry with something from school Shaw came by to do a segment as well.
because of the rain and snow when i drove in, i couldn't get my tattoo. i need to rebook that completely. i'm saddened that i couldn't get my keys done and the outline of ganesh done. but what am i to do? the roads were utterly crappy and jodie had told me that she came into the city and had to borrow her in-laws 4x4.
i pretty much relaxed til class started.
class was okay for the first couple days. i felt a little off my game, but that was just because the winnipeg site throws me off. it's just not my home base and i'm off a bit. out of my comfort zone and all that.
friday, i got one huge ass compliment. it was awesome and i felt so.... amazing.
we were in groups - as normal and i just ended up taking over and directing how things should go. cam, my instructor pulled me aside and told me, "you have just impressed the shit out of me. you took over the scene and you did everything perfectly. you showed care for the patient and didn't make anyone feel stupid. you are awesome." and he gave me a high five...while wearing my mittens. ^_^
i was seriously floating and just feeling so sure of myself in my skills for the rest of the day.
allen, another instructor did a one on one scene with me. this one was nerve wracking. but he said that my flow was pretty good and that i should have done my vitals and gotten O2 on sooner. other than that, i was good. i think i might ask him for another go round, but I didn't.
There were a total of two days where i missed. The first day, I was in pain and had a migraine of uber-intensity. This was not fun. The second day, I was waiting for my doctor's office to call me back with an appointment.
I got chastised for missing both days. Then got threatened with not graduating by the same instructor who gave me a compliment days ago.
Even to this day, i'm still recoiling from the actions of the instructors. We were given a case study to somehow form into a research paper. Not given much information on what we should be doing exactly, but I figured us students - who were almost all in the same boat of confusion would sort of band together and overcome.
Well, the students were still up in the air and when I contacted one, she told me that if i didn't hand it in already that I should just not bother and that i probably already gotten a 0%.
I asked my instructor and other instructors and they gave me no help, stating that i was given all the information in the city. well, if that was the "you have all the information already" comment, then no, that wasn't helpful. it also didn't help that i felt once more like i was being chastised like a child for asking for help. needless to say, i didn't want to speak to that instructor again.
two weeks later, i finally handed in my report and got an email back stating that the instructor was under the impression that i wasn't handing it in as there was no futher contact between us. this is when i told him that i felt like i was being chastised for asking for assistance and that i didn't need a rerun of that. also, in short, i basically told him that he needn't bother reading my report as it would probably be a waste of his time.
this was also around the time of when we were suppose to be doing our clinical rotation for ER, EKG and Psych.
Rolling from 2 weeks in winnipeg to doing exams with no study time... even though the coordinator stated there was. i believe it was something akin to "that week was there for you" when i asked what week and if this was some week that magically appeared, he told me that we got back from winnipeg, had the class on monday and then exam on tuesday. ...that is not a week. he also stated that the afternoons after our exams were meant for study time.
studying for exams that were being labelled as "the hardest ones yet", a weekend and a couple half days are not nearly enough to get decent marks.
my mistake for actually stating that i was "burnt out" from the whole ordeal. the coordinator of the course felt that i might benefit from some councilling through the school.
apparently i should have used the term exhausted. *eye roll*
i really don't like the way that they, the instructors and coordinator, treat us like children. I'm 30, an adult and I expect to be treated like one. I don't want my hand held and to be coddled, if I wanted that, I'd go for daycare or something.
I realize that we're the forerunners of this course, but we're finding more and more bad things out than good.
As it stands right now, I don't feel very sure of myself in my skills and we go back to car in May.
When we were doing our clinical rotations here, the staff at the hospital didn't know what to do with us. The didn't know what our skills were and what medications we could give. In the end, I ended up doing a fuckload of vitals and general care.
Our, as in the Paramedics, care is different than the care the nurses do. We stabilize the patient as best as possible and stop them from bleeding. We keep them alive, or as Doc says in RedVsBlue "make them comfortable while they die."
I guess I'll leave this entry with something from school Shaw came by to do a segment as well.
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